surprisingly sweet.

there's nothing i'd want to forget...
no detail i'd fail to remember...
and no moment i'd ever regret. ^_^


i wanna go to the jars of clay concert!!!
waaah! sana payagan...

queen of swords.

yep... that's me... the queen of swords --- according to my first ever tarot card reading... ^_^ uh huh... this really cool freshman girl (whos voice i've never heard until today.) knew how to read tarot... miss mia was the first one today, then me, then miss cielo came next i think... it was really cool..! the great thing was, she wasn't really telling us things we don't already know... it's like, the tarot cards echo our subconscious... it just re-iterates the things we are aware of, but fail to acknowledge... it gives some form of affirmation, the hit that buries the nail and all... family, career, realationships, she covered everything... she helped me without telling me anything too specific that it would run my life for me... aaah --- seriously, it was amazing. i wanted to cry... heheh... cheesy! ^_^

oh, and the girl's friend (there's a reason why i'm not naming names... i don't think it's right.), a freshman guy, was a palmist... again, he hit the nail... things from the past, my first heartbreak (not romance related), my personality... so cool... ^_^

there was one thing though, that they bought read out of me... both the tarot, and the palmistry found me as a strong person... yes, can you believe that?! to think i feel so weak... shit! that's right! omg. i AM the queen of swords...

the card of the QUEEN OF SWORDS:

a strong woman, with a strong personality,
but is bombarded with emotional struggles
bringing her to doubt herself and her capabilities.

oh duvah?! maloka daw ba ako... *sigh*

but seriously, it helped... thanks to both of you... ^_^

The day we said goodbye
by HALE

Take me as you are, push me off the road
The sadness, I need this time to be with you
I'm freezing in the sun, I'm burning in the rain
The silence, I'm screaming, calling out your name.

And I do reside in your light
Put out the fire with me and find
Yeah you'll lose the side of your circles
That's what I'll do if we say goodbye.

To be is all I gotta be
And all that I see, and all that I need this time
To me, it's the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight.

The calmness in your face
That I see through the night
The warmth of your light is pressing unto us
You didn't ask me why
I never would have known, oblivion is falling down.

If you could only know me like your prayers at night
Then everything between you and me will be all right.

To be is all I gotta be
And all that I see and all that I need this time
To me, it's the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight.

(S)he's already taken, (s)he's already taken
(S)he's already taken me..
(S)he's already taken, (s)he's already taken
(S)he's already taken me..

The day you said goodnight.

bad day.

woke up late again this morning... i even forgot that it was our webdes class --- i thought we were having gamedes... what gives?

gamedes starts at 10, webdes starts at 9...

damn it.

i got to school at 11am and it was just then that i realized how disoriented i've become... friggin' tummy ache that was... it disappeared before i went to sleep but came back right after breakfast... i hoped to get a seat at the mrt, but it was only at Edsa Central that i got to rest... the pain went on until after lunch... after that, i didn't understand what was wrong with me anymore... if i haven't been skipping any meals (not ulcer), drinking anything carbonated (not kabag), and eating anything acidic (not hyperacidity) --- what the heck do i have?!?

surprisingly, something actually made it worse... we finally had our statpro midterms today... and what was supposed to be a 2-hour test, it became a 3-hour battle that gave all of us headaches... and i didn't have just the ordinary kind... i had that type of headache that made you feel like your pulse is on your head, and it's a thousand times louder... i even blacked out on my way to miss mia's office... poof! everything went black for about 3 seconds... i had to get a hold of the wall beside me... once i got there, i curled up on the sofa holding my bag and both pillows tight around my tummy... standing or sitting straight made it hurt even more, and looking up made my headache worse... (if you read my last post, you'd remember that all my upper teeth hurt as well.) miss cielo and miss mia were kind enough to offer me medicine, hot water and all that... but the medicine didn't work, to be honest, my tummy hurt even more after taking it... and it still hurts right now. even after i've eaten my dinner... -_-

aigoo. this has been a bad day... i'm tired.

i missed it again. =(

got home from oj's birthday twisting like hell... my tummy hurt so bad... i thought it was just hyperacidity or something... but somehow tita reina figured out it was ulcer... -_- i've been missing lunch for weeks (not intentionally.) and i think she's right, it finally caught on to me... add to that my newly adjusted/stacked breces... ugh! the pain... =( my dentist added another wire over and under the original wire on my upper set of teeth... it's this really, REALLY thick and heavy wire that's looped at the center... gulay, pangconstruction yata to eh! my dentist had a hard time bending it for crying out loud..! the two hooks near my molars scratched the inside of my mouth... may dalawa na akong singaw sa parehong side ng pisngi... iiyak na talaga ako..!

what's worse? i wasn't able to attend mass today... my tummy hurt so bad that i couldn't stand up... just a little stretch made me feel like my insides were burning... i hate missing mass... coz if ever i do get there too late, i always pass by the adoration chapel to pray... and i didn't get to do even that... *sigh* damn tummy.

i need to lie down now.

tsonggito blues.

9am today was supposed to be our statpro midterms... but sir darius decided to move it on monday because most of our quiz1 scores sucked... -_- he still gave us a test though, on permutation and combination... and the review about quiz1 helped me a lot...

DA also had a basketball game today against SE... early in the day, i thought SE was gonna win by default... we were only sure about 3 tags coming to play... it was a good thing that jedi, ian, and aeo decided to come through --- and gian wasn't late... heheh... uh, we lost. but it's all good i think... we know we played a good game... and a lead of 3 points don't really say much to me...

hahah! bitter ba ito? =p

hindi naman... eto ang bitter >> the gang planned a post-valentine get together today at congo grille... a lot of us were there... even hersh and ralph got to go... i just feel really bad about not being around for a thing like this AGAIN. but i tried... for me, at least i did... but a no is a no and i'd rather not go into another petty conflict with my mom... i'm gonna suck it in until i believe it's not right to keep going along with it anymore... for now, i'm only looking forward to graduation.

kumbaga, nakabaon na ang time capsule ko... in 2 years, i'm gonna get back the things i put on hold... (kunyari may gyung-woo din na darating tapos sabay namin bubuksan... heheh... =p)

i've been holding my breath for 18 years, what's 2 more right? ^_^

caught in a heatwave.

we had our gamedes class at the Edsa Shang today... actually, we were first told that the expo was gonna be at the podium... but it turns out that it was really at edsa shang... podium was only housing the anime film showing... anywho, it was a pretty good experience at the e-services expo... sir don and the others were already signed up when i got there (except for lester)... and it was a good thing, because they were able to warn me about siging up... joanne and the others had stickers saying: STUDENT... as it turns out, if they hadn't written 'student' in the occupation, they would've gotten a visitor ID which was cooler... (in a geeky sort of way. =p)

naturally, our first stop was at the Maya booth... it was really cool coz i got to watch some videos on how Alias Wavefront started out, Maya's history and all that... very, very impressive..! there was also the philippine animation booth where we found out about the free anime film showing in podium... after that, we discovered that paul had a perfect fingerprint... heheh... =D i forgot the name of the booth, but it was promoting a time-keeper for working environments... it scans the employee's fingerprint, verifies the identity from the database, and times him in... it was so impressive that we just had to refer it to the school... even we could use it... (sorry na lang sa mga di masyadong punctual kagaya ko... =p) and last, but definitely not the least, the most fun booth we visited, KellPhil Inc... they were promoting a new rendering software (like maya)... the software's called SHADE and was developed in Japan... sir don tried using it, and it really wasn't that bad... it was more user friendly, took up less memory from the hard drive, and was way more inexpensive... and the coolest thing was, if you bought the software, they'd give you all the training you need on using it then they'd be the ones to hire you and give you projects after...

...very tempting indeed. ^_^

well that's about it... it sucks though... i missed myles' and ian's birthday celebrations... we got back from podium at 3pm and i still had 3 hours of clerical work to finish... =( not like i did anything anyway... miss chat had nothing else for me, but she said i'd have to stay in the library until my hours are through for them to count... i spent the whole afternoon watching ate ann's wedding craze, going along with trax' severe laugh trip, and letting marion drive us crazy with serious icky-love-stuff discussions... ^_^ miss chat even got to chip in the chaos... in ate ann's search for a wedding gown, she said she found the perfect honeymoon lingerie for miss chat... heheh...

kaso sabi ni miss chat, bakit pa daw, wala na lang daw kahit anong suot... muhaha!

that'd be enough to give you guys nightmares for a week... =D

stuck in a moment.

i told someone once, long ago:

"sobrang sarap ng feeling..! this should be enough to last me until next time."

next time ain't anywhere near, but what i said seems to be holding its ground... ^_^

i have scattered thoughts, but to me they make sense.

i have an inborn obligation to suck it in, and let the storm (e.g. motherly tantrums) take its course... i have a responsibility to make my life better the way i know how... my views are mine, and i make them for reasons only i am supposed to understand... some may as well, but if they don't, nobody's to blame: "different folks, different strokes" as miss mia always says... i know myself best, and i am what i am (as the gay song goes... =p)

hear no assumptions. speak no assumptions. and foresee no assumptions. >> a new rule.

i should know how i feel, recognize it, then rub it off if it won't do me any good... i shouldn't stop myself from feeling or thinking about things i'd rather forget... because if i stop thinking about them, if i don't recognize them, and acknowledge them --- what's there to rub off?

i should learn to see things on a thousand perspectives, with a tight grip on mine...

i should tuck my green monster in at night, and leave him there on my pillow for the day ahead... if he's still there when i get back, there's always tomorrow, i have a whole day again without him breathing at my back...

never compare yourself to other people. >> a good friend said. because you'll never have a fulfilled life...

meaning isn't everything... sometimes things just happen cause their supposed to... although sincerity isn't in doubt, and purpose isn't forced, meaning shouldn't mean anything unless enforced... malabo lang talaga minsan.

*sigh*

on the sleepiest day of my life, i woke up. (ironic ba ito sir patrick? =p)

thank you sir ando and miss mia... oh, and astrid too... ^_^

ZZzzZzzz.

damn these past few days... i've been SOOO sleepy! wish ko nga dito sa bahay ako antukin eh, kaso hindi... sa school ako nakakatulog... yesterday, i fell asleep in the library while i was reading the cask of amontillado. today, while waiting for gold to finish with my pc, i fell asleep in miss mia's office... and i mean DEAD asleep... i think i was there for an hour... and when i finally woke up, i couldn't get up... i just lay there while rod spilled some "confidential" stuff about certain people he knows... heheh... issues. =p

got my mom to extend my going home time today... had to finish the friggin' maya scenes for our midterms in gamedes... i gave up the first time (30mins after class), but i lost my PC... so when i got a hold of it again, i didn't stop... i haven't been very punctual in my gamedes classes and there's a lot i have to make up for... and personally, i think my slightly mutated hand would pass for an acceptable work... ^_^ by the way, i just discovered that i am a member of another org... heheh... VIASOC... how did i find out? ate aiathe asked me about my cellphone number yesterday... she said something about sir don including me in something... then today, she pulled me out of my SA, into room 302, so that judd could tell me that i have to take pictures (poverty vs. affluence), submit them by the end of the month so they could be part of the exhibit on march... =o talk about a shocker... but anywho, i think it's gonna be fun... ima be able to explore something new...

"I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
My own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
And nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Please be...
Save me...
I cry."

"if today were the last of all days,

will it change how you feel who you are..?"

1 day. 3 bombings. damn you people.

my mother asked me to switch the tv to local news... and seeing the words "explosion" and "ayala mrt" was enough to freak me out... i started calling my college friends who were still in school, and those who i knew were about to go home... friggin' sun cellular! not being able to contact my friends immediately made me freak out even more...

i got to contact niel and kapow first... they were almost ready to go on the mrt when the explosion happened below them on the station... they heard the sound, and felt the ground shake beneath them... that made them run out and back to school... next i was able to check on joel whom i knew always took a bus home from below the mrt station... he said he was with francis and nina at pizza hut when the bus exploded... it was a huge blessing considering the fact that one of the three buses caught on the explosion could've been his...

my heart couldn't stop racing (it still hasn't) that i just had to text everyone in school to be careful going home... i can't even explain the fear i had... damn it. damn all those who did this! and finding out that there were two other explosions in general santos and davao made me hate them even more... a news flash a while ago stated that the abu sayyaf took responsibility for the explosions, but tita bardie said it was bullshit...

last year, the misuari breakaway group (MBG) gave gloria macapagal arroyo an ultimatum... if she didn't raise the economy of the country in a hundred days, they will take action... fast forward to this year, there was a recent encounter between the AFP and the MBG in Jolo... dozens of soldiers and militants were killed... the AFP were sent to jolo initially to look for the abu sayyaf troupes... the MBG claimed that in the AFP's pursuit, they hit a member of MBG, and this triggered the whole thing... but in reality, civilians got hit, but the MBG claimed them to be able to start a logical fight and get noticed...

back to the explosions... there are now two posibilities: it could be a diversionary tactic BY THE ADMINISTRATION to take the people's attention away from the jolo incident... why? because they're afraid that the real issue behind the attack would come out... that the people would realize it was a deal gloria made (and neglected eventually) with Misuari that made them angry; or, it could be some form of a call from a number of militant groups... telling the MBG and the Abu Sayyaf that they have them on their side... (how heartless can they be?!)

either way, everything was about greed, selfishness and the claim for power. all those lives wasted for some stupid ego trip..!

damn them all!

if i were gloria, i would clean up my act right about now... in the first place, she shouldn't have given the cabinet positions out for the sake of utang na loob... who told her anyway to raise her ganda points by promising her friends such responsibilities? now look who's taking the beating... and promising to release misuari just so she can get mindanao's votes?! WTF?!

i don't know anymore... i've never been this worked up about a political issue... maybe the fact that my friends could've gotten hurt drove me to the edge... i'm pretty sure this isn't something i'd forget anytime soon... i'm gonna keep myself posted on this one...

they're all so mean... evil.

the last straw.

i've broken it...

now everything has gone numb.

edited: i'm trying to keep my side of the seesaw.

another hit.

yesterday, i was supposed to go to clark field pampanga with my friends... it was the annual hot air balloon festival! last december when i first found out about it, i told my mom we should go... heheh... aga ba? was playing as safe as i could because i really wanted to be there... i invited SB, i invited people from school, i invited my family... i invited everybody!

...but i never got to go. =(

i reminded my mom about the festival 4 days ago while she was still in bohol... she asked me who i was going with, how i was going to get there and for how long... after that, all she said was: "andyan na ako nun..." the day before the festival, she got back from bohol...

...i suddenly hadn't told her anything.

= bakit ang layo layo? anong overnight?! = bakit naman nagkasama bigla yang high school at college? = pano ka naman pupunta dun aber?! = ikaw, ang dami dami mo nang lakad, wala ka man lang kunsiderasyon! = ang manhid manhid mo! = wala ka nang ginawa kungdi umalis ng umalis! = bahala ka, antayin mo ako bukas BAGO KA UMALIS. =

confused about the last one? i wasn't... figured even though she wasn't so happy about it, she hadn't changed her mind about letting me go... she said so herself: "bago ka umalis." that should've meant that she was expecting me TO LEAVE the next day once she got home... but NO. after all the waiting, the asking and the explaining, when she finally got home (after ignoring everyone in the sala), she asked me to tell my friends to leave because they were waisting their time. i cried (again.) wala daw siyang pakialam kung magalit man ako sakanya habang buhay, kaysa pagsisihan niya balang araw...

how can you tell your daughter that you'd rather she hated you? that you wouldn't mind if she hated you forever for what you're doing? it doesn't make any sense!

it was hard for me to face my friends when i got down from our room to send them off... especially aeo and rj... cali and jaren had gone through this millions of times before when we were still in high school and elementary... all the hassle, for nothing. all my excitement, kaput. i couldn't cry in front of them... i tried to smile and say sorry... but when they finally left, i sat in a corner and wept.

i found the urge to hit somebody, and i did.
i found the urge to hit something, and i did.

on and on, i did until i couldn't feel anything anymore.

i haven't talked to my mom eversince... i said goodbye when she went to leave that night, but she never said goodbye to me, she didn't even look. she deliberately bid everybody in the house farewell but me... (including cali and ja, they didn't go even though i forced them to... "together we stand, divided we fall." as they said when they told me they were at the gate.)

= bye reina. = bards alis na ako. = ga, alis na ako. = (to cali and ja) sige. =

...then she was out the door even before i finished my goodbye.

tita bardie didn't understand. tita reina didn't understand. ate ga didn't understand. none of us understood why things happened... all of us thought i was set for clark... all of us thought it was okay...

none of us knew that she was simply waiting for a loophole... again.

all the other things that happened last night and all that was talked about stirred a lot of emotions. i made a discovery that the man i was being taught to trust for the past ten years, the man who i thought wasn't like my mother, the man who i thought understood what it was like to be held by the neck by my mother --- wasn't all that i thought he had been. he was as closed minded as she was, he couldn't comprehend just as much, and he wanted to keep me on a leash just as much...

they both said it was my fault, that i had changed... hindi daw ako ganito pinalaki ng nanay ko... hindi na daw nila ako kilala... well, yes, i have changed. i'm supposed to change, i'm growing up... i'm learning things, and i had just learned that i could (i should) live my life the way i know i'm supposed to, that i could stop holding myself back, and that i had the right to ask "why?"

the only problem is that, i have two people who can't accept the fact that i've learned a lot... two people who wants to live my life for me, on every aspect... two people who believes i don't have the right to ask any questions, or who are simply afraid that they might not be able to answer.

i know things won't ever be okay unless i go back to the old me who never says anything, never asks about anything, never takes risks and who thought it was wrong to grow up... but i don't think i can give them that privilege... i'm hurt now, especially because i know i'm hurting my mom too... but i'd rather stand the pain then grow out of it eventually, than to keep telling myself that maybe someday...

...they would.

How to disappear completely
by Radiohead

That there, that's not me
I go where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah, it's gone

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes

I'm not here
This isn't happening

I'm not here, I'm not here....

Walk on the ocean
by Toad the wet sprocket

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything’s better, everything’s safe

Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone

And half and hour later we packed up our things
We said we’d send letters and all those little things
And they knew we were lying but they smiled just the same
It seemed they’d already forgotten we’d came

Now we’re back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people don’t know you
And trust is a joke
We don’t even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old

"so quiet. another wasted night...

...out of touch. out of time."

choco flavored smoke?!

an afternoon full of hearts, cheesy music, crazy dating conspiracies, and org work...

(yes, org work. we're actually active outside competitions now... yay! =D)

i could've gone home early actually... we didn't have phillit today and my accounting class ended at 11am... well, i could've LEFT EARLY na lang pala... di naman ako uuwi ng ganun kaaga eh... =p i would've gone to visit my dearest barkada scattered around U-belt... i've been planning to go to uste these past few days... bubulabugin ko lang si meatloaf... heheh... and maybe i could go "spotting" around their campus... you never know who i might find... ^_^ anywho, the "early" thing didn't push through 'coz we had a lot of stuff to work out for iWed and HeartBEATS... i wanted to have lunch with aes, but he was gonna eat at glo since he was bound for home right after... i had to finish a lot of stuff for ralph and i was pressed for time, glo was too far and it would take too long to get back... *sigh*

by 3pm, ralph called for rest... was planning on leaving already, but niel asked me to wait for them so we could go home together... i hung out until about 5pm --- doing absolutely nothing. heheh... and of course, in line with iBerks tradition, it took us 1 hour before we finally got to leave school... after that, we still passed by becon, ate humongous slices of pizza, watched james play a kick-ass game of CS, introduced each other to the wonderful world of chocolate smoke, and arrived at the mrt station just to find out that it wasn't working... aigoo... we had to take the bus home... ='( it was all good though, there wasn't too much traffic anyway...

whew! a very tiring day indeed. my stomach's being a pain again... -_-

no amount of dread could stop it from coming true.

oh well.

my own shift...

...painful. to get used to.

anywho, i went to photog class early this morning (for the first time ever!)... thought i should cut sir don some slack since i haven't been able to wake up to any of our photog classes when it was moved to 9am every monday... but, surprise --- he was late. bummer. wrong timing ang pagiging matinong estudyante ko.. =p it's all good though, we continued with our lesson when he got in... and i did learn a lot...

tunay ba ito?! =D

i spent the rest of the afternoon going crazy over statpro... i couldn't concentrate! permutations, combinations, factorials --- bullshit. my head was spinning by the end of our 3-hour class... shep was asking me questions of "how's" and "why's" and "how come's"... sir kept going on and on and on with the examples... and the analogies stacked themselves over my head like a pile of bricks... i couldn't breathe (literally.) it was a good thing sir DA decided to dismiss us early (sans a seatwork.) we all would've died if he didn't...

grr.

hearts. hearts. friggin' HEARTS everywhere! the frosh finally hung the hearts we've been cutting all week... they made the school look like a cabaret of sorts. heheh... but Valentine's day IS coming, what else can i do but sulk and feel desperate... =p alangan namang hilahin ko sila isa-isa diba?

by the way, the music? omg the music! they changed the school bell from the STAR WARS theme to:

GOT TO BELIEVE IN MAGIC!

-_-

oh kill me now. please? anybody?

fragments.

hoowa. haven't been updating lately... time hasn't been friendly, among other things... and i never was in the mood all week... i actually have been spending every single day at miss mia's office... heheh... psychotic much? =p paranoid maybe? (ahem.) actually, no... it's just nice to hang out at the guidance... tambay tambay, listening to music... oh right! i've been hearing these really cool songs from her pc... when i finally asked her who the band was, she said it was her friends' band "HALE". seriously people, AMAZING band... i don't think they are, but when i first heard them, they sounded like an alternative gospel band... the vocals were deep, husky, and full of emotion... and as andrew put it: "kahit birthday mo yata, malulungkot ka pag napakinggan mo cd nila eh.." hahah! very true... =p

anywho, i fell in love yesterday...

his name is bugsy... gorgeous, gorgeous DOG. heheh... =p he's a one year old pitbull, PURE BREED... he has this velvety black coat that's broken by white areas around his face and neck and through his front legs... i swear, when i say velvet, i mean velvet to the touch... i love hugging him... (can't believe i'm actually hugging him! didn't like hugging dogs before...) he's indeed a very beautiful dog... he stands like a king... inangkin ko na nga siya eh... heheh... but he's actually our neighbor's... i don't know... i really felt at ease with him from the get go... tita reina and tita bards didn't come through at first because he IS a pitbull... and they know what he can do with a temper... but me, i didn't mind at all... and the very cool thing was, he shook my hand... even his owner was impressed when he patted my hands when i was talking to him... it was the first time he did that... ^_^ at the first few tries, he just patted my hand twice at a time... but the last time i held my hand out, his paw stayed... he didn't put it down for the longest time...

...that was kinda sweet.

i love that dog... seriously... and i think part of the reason why, is because he reminds me of my first dog spot... my aunt gave him to me when i was in 3rd grade i think... he was all black as well, and he was so chubby when he was little... so, so cute... i called him spot because he had a white, diamond shaped patch at the back of his neck.... he was simply adorable! i took care of him, and played with him every chance i could get... but when we moved to a new house (i was just about to finish 4th grade), they gave him away... ='( we had two other dogs, and the apartment couldn't accomodate all three of them... i remember looking out the gate when the doorbell rang, i was so excited to see him, but he never came in... the last i saw of him was his legs, and that's it... off to butuan... i cried so hard... and i was so angry at my mom for giving him away... after that, i never had another dog... losing one felt too bad. ='(

oh well, that's that... my dear spot has been long gone... i never saw him again... now i have my baby bugsy... heheh... and even though he's not technically mine, i think we've made it clear that he's destined to be my alaga... ^_^