...here i go.

i give up.

2005-04-08T21:04:00.000+08:00

it's kinda hard updating 2 different blogs... so, i have decided ---

---i'm keeping the other one. teehee... ^_^ sorry blogspot...

http://www.livejournal.com/users/13thangel

update your links my dear friends...

2005-04-04T17:52:00.000+08:00

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.
Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.
You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!
People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

2005-04-02T13:24:00.000+08:00

You owe me nothing in return
by Alanis Morisette

i'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance
if you want it
i will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want
if you need it
you can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs
and i'll hold it
you can share your so-called shame-filled accounts of times in your life
and i won't judge it
and there are no strings attached to it

you owe me nothing for giving the love that i give
you owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege
and you owe me nothing in return

you can ask for space for yourself and only yourself
and i'll grant it
you can ask for freedom as well or time to travel
and you'll have it
you can ask to live by yourself or love someone else
and i'll support it
you can ask for anything you want anything at all
and i'll understand it
and there are no strings attached to it

i bet you're wondering
when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
i bet you're wondering
when my conditional police will force you to cough up
i bet you're wondering
how far you have now danced your way back into debt
this is the only kind of love as i understand it
that there really is

you can express your deepest of truths even if it means i'll lose you
and i'll hear it
you can fall into the abyss on the way to your bliss
i'll empathize with
you can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion
and i'll hear it
you can even hit rock bottom have a midlife crisis
and i'll hold it
and there are no strings attached to it

there are no strings attached to it...

charing.

2005-03-28T18:00:00.000+08:00

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	delicious
Your hugs are...	to die for
Your eyes...	burn into my heart
Your touch is...	the only thing I desire
Your smell is...	exotic
Your smile is...	entrancing
Your love is...	everlasting

Quiz created with MemeGen!

emerald.

2005-03-27T21:35:00.000+08:00

as the sun peeks through the clouds
and brightness covers the ground
a flower sways from shade to light
and reaches for the warmth outside
but as the clouds smother the sun again
the flower, in its state of being bent
breaks where there once was a glow
and wilts with its roots below.

2005-03-26T12:40:00.000+08:00

BLUE

wanna know yours? CLICKEE HERE!

i'm late, yet again.

2005-03-26T12:29:00.000+08:00

hay, hay, hay... it's been a while huh? =) haven't been in the mood to write anything lately, so, yeah. not that there hasn't been any interesting thing to write about, it's just that too much craziness is happening that it felt too exhausting for me to write them all down... ^_^

anywho, i am currently on the 3rd day of our 4 day (technically 2 day) holy week break... i've had nothing else to do at home but eat, watch tv, eat, FREAK OUT, eat, watch more tv, eat more junk, and sleep ocassionally... i tried to play CS yesterday, but my PC's gone whack and it kept lagging... grr. now, i am contemplating on whether or not to answer our statpro take home exam already... not that i don't want to do it, i wanna get it over with actually... but i'm too lazy... and i think i don't know shit about the exam... teehee... ^_^ i hafta answer it sooner or later though... and i probably would be able to in a while coz aeo's gonna call for help with HIS statpro homework --- i told him i knew a little bit about probabilities... heheh. WHAT?! i didn't lie... i do know A LITTLE BIT... =p

let's see, what good stuff can i tell you guys about? hmmm... ah! a few weeks ago, our helper called me to the kitchen... when i got there, she pointed out something stuck under the mat outside the backdoor... she was asking me if it was a snake... looking at it, i thought it was just an earthworm coz it was about that big... but she kept insisting it was a snake... i took some salt from the pantry to check if it was indeed just a worm, but when i threw at it --- it didn't budge.

it WAS a friggin' snake... =o

ate ga ended up pouring boiling water over the thing until it died... i still didn't freak out at first coz i was thinking of how small it was... but then, when my aunt found out and asked:

"kung maliit na ahas yun, asan yung nanay?!"

i freaked out. -_-

but anywho... the snake issue is long gone... lumampas na sa sobrang tagal ko magupdate... heheh... ^_^ but like i said, a lot of crazy things have happened over the period of my hiatus... some GOOD-crazy, some BAD-crazy, some UNFORGETTABLE-crazy (i'm still smiling... =D) and some MIND BOGGLING-crazy (i think too much, it hurts... =p) but nonetheless, i've been on one hell of a rollercoaster ride...

...and the loops are still to come. *sigh*

snowflake.

2005-03-04T15:16:00.000+08:00

i came through, slowly, armed
with but a rush of blood and an open mind.
it was a beginning of sidewalks and pavements,
keeping to the safest side.
i memorized the ground i walked on,
i searched for cracks, and tripped on them all.
the four winds blew all at the same time.
nothing but thorns to hold --- it's them or a pall.

i found comfort in a fleece i found
though not of gold, but of winter's warmth.
i felt and admired every thread
and was struck with beauty so profound.
i held on through spring, summer and autumn,
and it burned through the bite of snow.
the seasons turned, twice over and more
yet some weaves went unnoticed in the cold.

my aura.

2005-03-03T15:40:00.000+08:00

What color is your aura? CLICKEE HERE... ^_^

2005-03-03T02:01:00.000+08:00

hearing them sing this song last night made me cry:

Worlds Apart
by Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow, it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I float too high And like Icarus, I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

(To love you) Take my world apart
(To need you) I am on my knees
(To love you) Take my world apart
(To need you) Broken, on my knees

Said and done, I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe, are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need You now
I owe You more each passing hour
Battles between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago

So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart, make it Yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now

And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
Wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
Steal my heart, take the painTake the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray Take my world apart...

somebody show me love. =p

2005-03-03T01:41:00.000+08:00

got home a couple of hours ago from the jars of clay concert in araneta... (yes, friends, pinayagan po ako... =p)

IT ROCKED MY WORLD!!!

as in naloka kami ni cali... heheh... no wonder they've been around for so long, i had goosebumps the whole time... even if the songs weren't for jamming, you just had to stand up because of all the energy that's in you... there were times of screaming, jumping, and ocassional head banging too... ^_^ i don't care if i end up sounding cheesy, but the whole experience was spiritually uplifting... seiously! coming out of araneta, it's like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders... everything looked nice, and i felt so giddy in a quiet sort of meditative kind of way... heheh... it's really hard to explain... but it was one of the best concerts i've ever been to... ^_^ aeo and his merville friends were supposed to be there too... but they had a little mix up of time... they thought the concert was gonna start later (about 2 hours later) than it really did... i don't know if they ever made it to the concert coz he didn't have load, but i hope they did... =) oh! and coco was there too... he approached me on our way to the ticket booth... lucky young man he is... he got FREE, FRONT ROW SEATS to the concert! aargh! so, so lucky... d'ya guys think it's in the hair? ^_^

yes, ofcourse... something else happened... when they sang unforgetful you, a guy from the audience (and his girlfriend of 10 years) got to sing it with them... at first, i wanted to smack 'em both out of jealousy... =p but when he said it was their 10th year anniversary, and he pulled out a ring from his pocket, i was crazy for them... ^_^ it was the sweetest thing, and it made the atmosphere even more uplifting... of course, we're still not sure if the girl said yes because she wanted to, or because it was too public to get out of... harhar! =p i wish them both the best...

woohoo! JoC hangover ito!!! ^_^

surprisingly sweet.

2005-02-24T23:41:00.000+08:00

there's nothing i'd want to forget...
no detail i'd fail to remember...
and no moment i'd ever regret. ^_^

i wanna go to the jars of clay concert!!!
waaah! sana payagan...

queen of swords.

2005-02-23T14:37:00.000+08:00

yep... that's me... the queen of swords --- according to my first ever tarot card reading... ^_^ uh huh... this really cool freshman girl (whos voice i've never heard until today.) knew how to read tarot... miss mia was the first one today, then me, then miss cielo came next i think... it was really cool..! the great thing was, she wasn't really telling us things we don't already know... it's like, the tarot cards echo our subconscious... it just re-iterates the things we are aware of, but fail to acknowledge... it gives some form of affirmation, the hit that buries the nail and all... family, career, realationships, she covered everything... she helped me without telling me anything too specific that it would run my life for me... aaah --- seriously, it was amazing. i wanted to cry... heheh... cheesy! ^_^

oh, and the girl's friend (there's a reason why i'm not naming names... i don't think it's right.), a freshman guy, was a palmist... again, he hit the nail... things from the past, my first heartbreak (not romance related), my personality... so cool... ^_^

there was one thing though, that they bought read out of me... both the tarot, and the palmistry found me as a strong person... yes, can you believe that?! to think i feel so weak... shit! that's right! omg. i AM the queen of swords...

the card of the QUEEN OF SWORDS:

a strong woman, with a strong personality,
but is bombarded with emotional struggles
bringing her to doubt herself and her capabilities.

oh duvah?! maloka daw ba ako... *sigh*

but seriously, it helped... thanks to both of you... ^_^

2005-02-22T03:38:00.000+08:00

The day we said goodbye
by HALE

Take me as you are, push me off the road
The sadness, I need this time to be with you
I'm freezing in the sun, I'm burning in the rain
The silence, I'm screaming, calling out your name.

And I do reside in your light
Put out the fire with me and find
Yeah you'll lose the side of your circles
That's what I'll do if we say goodbye.

To be is all I gotta be
And all that I see, and all that I need this time
To me, it's the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight.

The calmness in your face
That I see through the night
The warmth of your light is pressing unto us
You didn't ask me why
I never would have known, oblivion is falling down.

If you could only know me like your prayers at night
Then everything between you and me will be all right.

To be is all I gotta be
And all that I see and all that I need this time
To me, it's the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight.

(S)he's already taken, (s)he's already taken
(S)he's already taken me..
(S)he's already taken, (s)he's already taken
(S)he's already taken me..

The day you said goodnight.

bad day.

2005-02-21T22:37:00.000+08:00

woke up late again this morning... i even forgot that it was our webdes class --- i thought we were having gamedes... what gives?

gamedes starts at 10, webdes starts at 9...

damn it.

i got to school at 11am and it was just then that i realized how disoriented i've become... friggin' tummy ache that was... it disappeared before i went to sleep but came back right after breakfast... i hoped to get a seat at the mrt, but it was only at Edsa Central that i got to rest... the pain went on until after lunch... after that, i didn't understand what was wrong with me anymore... if i haven't been skipping any meals (not ulcer), drinking anything carbonated (not kabag), and eating anything acidic (not hyperacidity) --- what the heck do i have?!?

surprisingly, something actually made it worse... we finally had our statpro midterms today... and what was supposed to be a 2-hour test, it became a 3-hour battle that gave all of us headaches... and i didn't have just the ordinary kind... i had that type of headache that made you feel like your pulse is on your head, and it's a thousand times louder... i even blacked out on my way to miss mia's office... poof! everything went black for about 3 seconds... i had to get a hold of the wall beside me... once i got there, i curled up on the sofa holding my bag and both pillows tight around my tummy... standing or sitting straight made it hurt even more, and looking up made my headache worse... (if you read my last post, you'd remember that all my upper teeth hurt as well.) miss cielo and miss mia were kind enough to offer me medicine, hot water and all that... but the medicine didn't work, to be honest, my tummy hurt even more after taking it... and it still hurts right now. even after i've eaten my dinner... -_-

aigoo. this has been a bad day... i'm tired.

i missed it again. =(

2005-02-20T20:22:00.000+08:00

got home from oj's birthday twisting like hell... my tummy hurt so bad... i thought it was just hyperacidity or something... but somehow tita reina figured out it was ulcer... -_- i've been missing lunch for weeks (not intentionally.) and i think she's right, it finally caught on to me... add to that my newly adjusted/stacked breces... ugh! the pain... =( my dentist added another wire over and under the original wire on my upper set of teeth... it's this really, REALLY thick and heavy wire that's looped at the center... gulay, pangconstruction yata to eh! my dentist had a hard time bending it for crying out loud..! the two hooks near my molars scratched the inside of my mouth... may dalawa na akong singaw sa parehong side ng pisngi... iiyak na talaga ako..!

what's worse? i wasn't able to attend mass today... my tummy hurt so bad that i couldn't stand up... just a little stretch made me feel like my insides were burning... i hate missing mass... coz if ever i do get there too late, i always pass by the adoration chapel to pray... and i didn't get to do even that... *sigh* damn tummy.

i need to lie down now.

tsonggito blues.

2005-02-19T23:12:00.000+08:00

9am today was supposed to be our statpro midterms... but sir darius decided to move it on monday because most of our quiz1 scores sucked... -_- he still gave us a test though, on permutation and combination... and the review about quiz1 helped me a lot...

DA also had a basketball game today against SE... early in the day, i thought SE was gonna win by default... we were only sure about 3 tags coming to play... it was a good thing that jedi, ian, and aeo decided to come through --- and gian wasn't late... heheh... uh, we lost. but it's all good i think... we know we played a good game... and a lead of 3 points don't really say much to me...

hahah! bitter ba ito? =p

hindi naman... eto ang bitter >> the gang planned a post-valentine get together today at congo grille... a lot of us were there... even hersh and ralph got to go... i just feel really bad about not being around for a thing like this AGAIN. but i tried... for me, at least i did... but a no is a no and i'd rather not go into another petty conflict with my mom... i'm gonna suck it in until i believe it's not right to keep going along with it anymore... for now, i'm only looking forward to graduation.

kumbaga, nakabaon na ang time capsule ko... in 2 years, i'm gonna get back the things i put on hold... (kunyari may gyung-woo din na darating tapos sabay namin bubuksan... heheh... =p)

i've been holding my breath for 18 years, what's 2 more right? ^_^

caught in a heatwave.

2005-02-18T22:32:00.000+08:00

we had our gamedes class at the Edsa Shang today... actually, we were first told that the expo was gonna be at the podium... but it turns out that it was really at edsa shang... podium was only housing the anime film showing... anywho, it was a pretty good experience at the e-services expo... sir don and the others were already signed up when i got there (except for lester)... and it was a good thing, because they were able to warn me about siging up... joanne and the others had stickers saying: STUDENT... as it turns out, if they hadn't written 'student' in the occupation, they would've gotten a visitor ID which was cooler... (in a geeky sort of way. =p)

naturally, our first stop was at the Maya booth... it was really cool coz i got to watch some videos on how Alias Wavefront started out, Maya's history and all that... very, very impressive..! there was also the philippine animation booth where we found out about the free anime film showing in podium... after that, we discovered that paul had a perfect fingerprint... heheh... =D i forgot the name of the booth, but it was promoting a time-keeper for working environments... it scans the employee's fingerprint, verifies the identity from the database, and times him in... it was so impressive that we just had to refer it to the school... even we could use it... (sorry na lang sa mga di masyadong punctual kagaya ko... =p) and last, but definitely not the least, the most fun booth we visited, KellPhil Inc... they were promoting a new rendering software (like maya)... the software's called SHADE and was developed in Japan... sir don tried using it, and it really wasn't that bad... it was more user friendly, took up less memory from the hard drive, and was way more inexpensive... and the coolest thing was, if you bought the software, they'd give you all the training you need on using it then they'd be the ones to hire you and give you projects after...

...very tempting indeed. ^_^

well that's about it... it sucks though... i missed myles' and ian's birthday celebrations... we got back from podium at 3pm and i still had 3 hours of clerical work to finish... =( not like i did anything anyway... miss chat had nothing else for me, but she said i'd have to stay in the library until my hours are through for them to count... i spent the whole afternoon watching ate ann's wedding craze, going along with trax' severe laugh trip, and letting marion drive us crazy with serious icky-love-stuff discussions... ^_^ miss chat even got to chip in the chaos... in ate ann's search for a wedding gown, she said she found the perfect honeymoon lingerie for miss chat... heheh...

kaso sabi ni miss chat, bakit pa daw, wala na lang daw kahit anong suot... muhaha!

that'd be enough to give you guys nightmares for a week... =D

stuck in a moment.

2005-02-17T16:35:00.000+08:00

i told someone once, long ago:

"sobrang sarap ng feeling..! this should be enough to last me until next time."

next time ain't anywhere near, but what i said seems to be holding its ground... ^_^

i have scattered thoughts, but to me they make sense.

2005-02-16T23:51:00.000+08:00

i have an inborn obligation to suck it in, and let the storm (e.g. motherly tantrums) take its course... i have a responsibility to make my life better the way i know how... my views are mine, and i make them for reasons only i am supposed to understand... some may as well, but if they don't, nobody's to blame: "different folks, different strokes" as miss mia always says... i know myself best, and i am what i am (as the gay song goes... =p)

hear no assumptions. speak no assumptions. and foresee no assumptions. >> a new rule.

i should know how i feel, recognize it, then rub it off if it won't do me any good... i shouldn't stop myself from feeling or thinking about things i'd rather forget... because if i stop thinking about them, if i don't recognize them, and acknowledge them --- what's there to rub off?

i should learn to see things on a thousand perspectives, with a tight grip on mine...

i should tuck my green monster in at night, and leave him there on my pillow for the day ahead... if he's still there when i get back, there's always tomorrow, i have a whole day again without him breathing at my back...

never compare yourself to other people. >> a good friend said. because you'll never have a fulfilled life...

meaning isn't everything... sometimes things just happen cause their supposed to... although sincerity isn't in doubt, and purpose isn't forced, meaning shouldn't mean anything unless enforced... malabo lang talaga minsan.

*sigh*

on the sleepiest day of my life, i woke up. (ironic ba ito sir patrick? =p)

thank you sir ando and miss mia... oh, and astrid too... ^_^

ZZzzZzzz.

2005-02-16T23:20:00.000+08:00

damn these past few days... i've been SOOO sleepy! wish ko nga dito sa bahay ako antukin eh, kaso hindi... sa school ako nakakatulog... yesterday, i fell asleep in the library while i was reading the cask of amontillado. today, while waiting for gold to finish with my pc, i fell asleep in miss mia's office... and i mean DEAD asleep... i think i was there for an hour... and when i finally woke up, i couldn't get up... i just lay there while rod spilled some "confidential" stuff about certain people he knows... heheh... issues. =p

got my mom to extend my going home time today... had to finish the friggin' maya scenes for our midterms in gamedes... i gave up the first time (30mins after class), but i lost my PC... so when i got a hold of it again, i didn't stop... i haven't been very punctual in my gamedes classes and there's a lot i have to make up for... and personally, i think my slightly mutated hand would pass for an acceptable work... ^_^ by the way, i just discovered that i am a member of another org... heheh... VIASOC... how did i find out? ate aiathe asked me about my cellphone number yesterday... she said something about sir don including me in something... then today, she pulled me out of my SA, into room 302, so that judd could tell me that i have to take pictures (poverty vs. affluence), submit them by the end of the month so they could be part of the exhibit on march... =o talk about a shocker... but anywho, i think it's gonna be fun... ima be able to explore something new...

2005-02-15T22:35:00.000+08:00

"I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
My own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
And nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Please be...
Save me...
I cry."

2005-02-14T23:24:00.000+08:00

"if today were the last of all days,

will it change how you feel who you are..?"

1 day. 3 bombings. damn you people.

2005-02-14T22:53:00.000+08:00

my mother asked me to switch the tv to local news... and seeing the words "explosion" and "ayala mrt" was enough to freak me out... i started calling my college friends who were still in school, and those who i knew were about to go home... friggin' sun cellular! not being able to contact my friends immediately made me freak out even more...

i got to contact niel and kapow first... they were almost ready to go on the mrt when the explosion happened below them on the station... they heard the sound, and felt the ground shake beneath them... that made them run out and back to school... next i was able to check on joel whom i knew always took a bus home from below the mrt station... he said he was with francis and nina at pizza hut when the bus exploded... it was a huge blessing considering the fact that one of the three buses caught on the explosion could've been his...

my heart couldn't stop racing (it still hasn't) that i just had to text everyone in school to be careful going home... i can't even explain the fear i had... damn it. damn all those who did this! and finding out that there were two other explosions in general santos and davao made me hate them even more... a news flash a while ago stated that the abu sayyaf took responsibility for the explosions, but tita bardie said it was bullshit...

last year, the misuari breakaway group (MBG) gave gloria macapagal arroyo an ultimatum... if she didn't raise the economy of the country in a hundred days, they will take action... fast forward to this year, there was a recent encounter between the AFP and the MBG in Jolo... dozens of soldiers and militants were killed... the AFP were sent to jolo initially to look for the abu sayyaf troupes... the MBG claimed that in the AFP's pursuit, they hit a member of MBG, and this triggered the whole thing... but in reality, civilians got hit, but the MBG claimed them to be able to start a logical fight and get noticed...

back to the explosions... there are now two posibilities: it could be a diversionary tactic BY THE ADMINISTRATION to take the people's attention away from the jolo incident... why? because they're afraid that the real issue behind the attack would come out... that the people would realize it was a deal gloria made (and neglected eventually) with Misuari that made them angry; or, it could be some form of a call from a number of militant groups... telling the MBG and the Abu Sayyaf that they have them on their side... (how heartless can they be?!)

either way, everything was about greed, selfishness and the claim for power. all those lives wasted for some stupid ego trip..!

damn them all!

if i were gloria, i would clean up my act right about now... in the first place, she shouldn't have given the cabinet positions out for the sake of utang na loob... who told her anyway to raise her ganda points by promising her friends such responsibilities? now look who's taking the beating... and promising to release misuari just so she can get mindanao's votes?! WTF?!

i don't know anymore... i've never been this worked up about a political issue... maybe the fact that my friends could've gotten hurt drove me to the edge... i'm pretty sure this isn't something i'd forget anytime soon... i'm gonna keep myself posted on this one...

they're all so mean... evil.

the last straw.

2005-02-13T17:03:00.000+08:00

i've broken it...

now everything has gone numb.

edited: i'm trying to keep my side of the seesaw.

another hit.

2005-02-13T15:36:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i was supposed to go to clark field pampanga with my friends... it was the annual hot air balloon festival! last december when i first found out about it, i told my mom we should go... heheh... aga ba? was playing as safe as i could because i really wanted to be there... i invited SB, i invited people from school, i invited my family... i invited everybody!

...but i never got to go. =(

i reminded my mom about the festival 4 days ago while she was still in bohol... she asked me who i was going with, how i was going to get there and for how long... after that, all she said was: "andyan na ako nun..." the day before the festival, she got back from bohol...

...i suddenly hadn't told her anything.

= bakit ang layo layo? anong overnight?! = bakit naman nagkasama bigla yang high school at college? = pano ka naman pupunta dun aber?! = ikaw, ang dami dami mo nang lakad, wala ka man lang kunsiderasyon! = ang manhid manhid mo! = wala ka nang ginawa kungdi umalis ng umalis! = bahala ka, antayin mo ako bukas BAGO KA UMALIS. =

confused about the last one? i wasn't... figured even though she wasn't so happy about it, she hadn't changed her mind about letting me go... she said so herself: "bago ka umalis." that should've meant that she was expecting me TO LEAVE the next day once she got home... but NO. after all the waiting, the asking and the explaining, when she finally got home (after ignoring everyone in the sala), she asked me to tell my friends to leave because they were waisting their time. i cried (again.) wala daw siyang pakialam kung magalit man ako sakanya habang buhay, kaysa pagsisihan niya balang araw...

how can you tell your daughter that you'd rather she hated you? that you wouldn't mind if she hated you forever for what you're doing? it doesn't make any sense!

it was hard for me to face my friends when i got down from our room to send them off... especially aeo and rj... cali and jaren had gone through this millions of times before when we were still in high school and elementary... all the hassle, for nothing. all my excitement, kaput. i couldn't cry in front of them... i tried to smile and say sorry... but when they finally left, i sat in a corner and wept.

i found the urge to hit somebody, and i did.
i found the urge to hit something, and i did.

on and on, i did until i couldn't feel anything anymore.

i haven't talked to my mom eversince... i said goodbye when she went to leave that night, but she never said goodbye to me, she didn't even look. she deliberately bid everybody in the house farewell but me... (including cali and ja, they didn't go even though i forced them to... "together we stand, divided we fall." as they said when they told me they were at the gate.)

= bye reina. = bards alis na ako. = ga, alis na ako. = (to cali and ja) sige. =

...then she was out the door even before i finished my goodbye.

tita bardie didn't understand. tita reina didn't understand. ate ga didn't understand. none of us understood why things happened... all of us thought i was set for clark... all of us thought it was okay...

none of us knew that she was simply waiting for a loophole... again.

all the other things that happened last night and all that was talked about stirred a lot of emotions. i made a discovery that the man i was being taught to trust for the past ten years, the man who i thought wasn't like my mother, the man who i thought understood what it was like to be held by the neck by my mother --- wasn't all that i thought he had been. he was as closed minded as she was, he couldn't comprehend just as much, and he wanted to keep me on a leash just as much...

they both said it was my fault, that i had changed... hindi daw ako ganito pinalaki ng nanay ko... hindi na daw nila ako kilala... well, yes, i have changed. i'm supposed to change, i'm growing up... i'm learning things, and i had just learned that i could (i should) live my life the way i know i'm supposed to, that i could stop holding myself back, and that i had the right to ask "why?"

the only problem is that, i have two people who can't accept the fact that i've learned a lot... two people who wants to live my life for me, on every aspect... two people who believes i don't have the right to ask any questions, or who are simply afraid that they might not be able to answer.

i know things won't ever be okay unless i go back to the old me who never says anything, never asks about anything, never takes risks and who thought it was wrong to grow up... but i don't think i can give them that privilege... i'm hurt now, especially because i know i'm hurting my mom too... but i'd rather stand the pain then grow out of it eventually, than to keep telling myself that maybe someday...

...they would.

2005-02-12T00:47:00.000+08:00

How to disappear completely
by Radiohead

That there, that's not me
I go where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah, it's gone

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes

I'm not here
This isn't happening

I'm not here, I'm not here....

2005-02-12T00:39:00.000+08:00

Walk on the ocean
by Toad the wet sprocket

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything’s better, everything’s safe

Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone

And half and hour later we packed up our things
We said we’d send letters and all those little things
And they knew we were lying but they smiled just the same
It seemed they’d already forgotten we’d came

Now we’re back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people don’t know you
And trust is a joke
We don’t even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old

2005-02-08T23:00:00.000+08:00

"so quiet. another wasted night...

...out of touch. out of time."

choco flavored smoke?!

2005-02-08T22:43:00.000+08:00

an afternoon full of hearts, cheesy music, crazy dating conspiracies, and org work...

(yes, org work. we're actually active outside competitions now... yay! =D)

i could've gone home early actually... we didn't have phillit today and my accounting class ended at 11am... well, i could've LEFT EARLY na lang pala... di naman ako uuwi ng ganun kaaga eh... =p i would've gone to visit my dearest barkada scattered around U-belt... i've been planning to go to uste these past few days... bubulabugin ko lang si meatloaf... heheh... and maybe i could go "spotting" around their campus... you never know who i might find... ^_^ anywho, the "early" thing didn't push through 'coz we had a lot of stuff to work out for iWed and HeartBEATS... i wanted to have lunch with aes, but he was gonna eat at glo since he was bound for home right after... i had to finish a lot of stuff for ralph and i was pressed for time, glo was too far and it would take too long to get back... *sigh*

by 3pm, ralph called for rest... was planning on leaving already, but niel asked me to wait for them so we could go home together... i hung out until about 5pm --- doing absolutely nothing. heheh... and of course, in line with iBerks tradition, it took us 1 hour before we finally got to leave school... after that, we still passed by becon, ate humongous slices of pizza, watched james play a kick-ass game of CS, introduced each other to the wonderful world of chocolate smoke, and arrived at the mrt station just to find out that it wasn't working... aigoo... we had to take the bus home... ='( it was all good though, there wasn't too much traffic anyway...

whew! a very tiring day indeed. my stomach's being a pain again... -_-

2005-02-08T02:01:00.000+08:00

no amount of dread could stop it from coming true.

oh well.

my own shift...

2005-02-08T01:10:00.000+08:00

...painful. to get used to.

anywho, i went to photog class early this morning (for the first time ever!)... thought i should cut sir don some slack since i haven't been able to wake up to any of our photog classes when it was moved to 9am every monday... but, surprise --- he was late. bummer. wrong timing ang pagiging matinong estudyante ko.. =p it's all good though, we continued with our lesson when he got in... and i did learn a lot...

tunay ba ito?! =D

i spent the rest of the afternoon going crazy over statpro... i couldn't concentrate! permutations, combinations, factorials --- bullshit. my head was spinning by the end of our 3-hour class... shep was asking me questions of "how's" and "why's" and "how come's"... sir kept going on and on and on with the examples... and the analogies stacked themselves over my head like a pile of bricks... i couldn't breathe (literally.) it was a good thing sir DA decided to dismiss us early (sans a seatwork.) we all would've died if he didn't...

grr.

hearts. hearts. friggin' HEARTS everywhere! the frosh finally hung the hearts we've been cutting all week... they made the school look like a cabaret of sorts. heheh... but Valentine's day IS coming, what else can i do but sulk and feel desperate... =p alangan namang hilahin ko sila isa-isa diba?

by the way, the music? omg the music! they changed the school bell from the STAR WARS theme to:

GOT TO BELIEVE IN MAGIC!

-_-

oh kill me now. please? anybody?

2005-02-06T22:18:00.000+08:00

fragments.

2005-02-06T22:12:00.000+08:00

hoowa. haven't been updating lately... time hasn't been friendly, among other things... and i never was in the mood all week... i actually have been spending every single day at miss mia's office... heheh... psychotic much? =p paranoid maybe? (ahem.) actually, no... it's just nice to hang out at the guidance... tambay tambay, listening to music... oh right! i've been hearing these really cool songs from her pc... when i finally asked her who the band was, she said it was her friends' band "HALE". seriously people, AMAZING band... i don't think they are, but when i first heard them, they sounded like an alternative gospel band... the vocals were deep, husky, and full of emotion... and as andrew put it: "kahit birthday mo yata, malulungkot ka pag napakinggan mo cd nila eh.." hahah! very true... =p

anywho, i fell in love yesterday...

his name is bugsy... gorgeous, gorgeous DOG. heheh... =p he's a one year old pitbull, PURE BREED... he has this velvety black coat that's broken by white areas around his face and neck and through his front legs... i swear, when i say velvet, i mean velvet to the touch... i love hugging him... (can't believe i'm actually hugging him! didn't like hugging dogs before...) he's indeed a very beautiful dog... he stands like a king... inangkin ko na nga siya eh... heheh... but he's actually our neighbor's... i don't know... i really felt at ease with him from the get go... tita reina and tita bards didn't come through at first because he IS a pitbull... and they know what he can do with a temper... but me, i didn't mind at all... and the very cool thing was, he shook my hand... even his owner was impressed when he patted my hands when i was talking to him... it was the first time he did that... ^_^ at the first few tries, he just patted my hand twice at a time... but the last time i held my hand out, his paw stayed... he didn't put it down for the longest time...

...that was kinda sweet.

i love that dog... seriously... and i think part of the reason why, is because he reminds me of my first dog spot... my aunt gave him to me when i was in 3rd grade i think... he was all black as well, and he was so chubby when he was little... so, so cute... i called him spot because he had a white, diamond shaped patch at the back of his neck.... he was simply adorable! i took care of him, and played with him every chance i could get... but when we moved to a new house (i was just about to finish 4th grade), they gave him away... ='( we had two other dogs, and the apartment couldn't accomodate all three of them... i remember looking out the gate when the doorbell rang, i was so excited to see him, but he never came in... the last i saw of him was his legs, and that's it... off to butuan... i cried so hard... and i was so angry at my mom for giving him away... after that, i never had another dog... losing one felt too bad. ='(

oh well, that's that... my dear spot has been long gone... i never saw him again... now i have my baby bugsy... heheh... and even though he's not technically mine, i think we've made it clear that he's destined to be my alaga... ^_^

2005-01-31T22:20:00.000+08:00

random thought:
it's not easy --- looking for dead stars.

missed stuff.

2005-01-31T22:06:00.000+08:00

i think i'm catching a cold... i hate it... it's hard to breathe, my nose gets runny, my throat hurts, and my eyes feel heavier than usual... it was so bad this morning that i couldn't get up from bed... i felt so bad because i didn't get to attend our first 3 hour photog class... pards said they talked about a lot of more detailed things than last week which made me feel even worse... =(

i got to school at about 12:15pm... i headed straight to the library to write down the formulas we needed for our statpro test... it took me about 5 minutes, then i went to lounge on the couch with my current short, Mr. Write... (it's an okay book... the sequence of scenes gets quite confusing at times, but the wit makes up for it... it's not often i find a story like this... it's sort of like a pinoy sex comedy / romance... it's a pretty interesting read...) moving on, as we were starting our statpro class, i got a text from aeo... he was meeting sir patrick to discuss some stuff about our project... he thought it'd be great if i could come too so i could show them my work as well... and i wanted to go, but we had a scheduled test in statpro that i couldn't get out of... i felt like shit. =( i wanted to go and meet them... i thought the logo i made last night was a little out of my norm... and i wanted to hear what sir patrick thought about it... whether he liked it or not, the constructive feedback would still be useful to me... plus, i haven't been around for anything in WIAN... =( especially in my earlier contributions (or lack thereof)... and i really wanted to be there for once --- i was on the verge of tears... finding out how great the meeting went didn't really help... useless pachi. ='(

nakitambay ako kay miss mia after ng statpro... they were talking about something that has been bugging me for a while... (yes, it has been bugging me.) it was something that happened, out of the blue... like one day everything was one way, and then the next, complete overhaul... no matter how bad it felt to see how things turned out, i never dared to ask why... i didn't want to know... i was constantly being asked, and if i knew, it'd be harder to brush it off as nothing and not interfere... (like i said, i've vowed never to mess with a situation like that ever again.) i tried to understand on my own coz i do know him well, and i did get everything on the surface... but the real root of everything --- no idea. i always miss the important stuff... *sigh* useless talaga.

anywho, i think i should get this over with... i'm already getting the urge to take a fork and scrape it over my throat..!

thanks again for the free... heheh... sensya na, your pal's broke this week... bawi na lang...

2005-01-30T13:26:00.000+08:00

RIght before your eyes
by: Hoobastank

When the door shuts don't worry about me
it's not attention that I want from you
I need you to trust who I'm gonna be
and in everything I'm going to do
Cuz I'm not afraid of what I don't know
for understanding is all that I earn
what is for sure is I'm going to go
I'm going to live and I'm going to learn...

And I know there will be mistakes that I will make...
but I know that none are worse than chances
I don't take... take...

Chorus:
Right before your eyes I am changing...
changing...
New life on the inside I am changing...
changing...

When the door shutsit shuts finally
a new person that I have become
I'll follow my heart to my destiny
the living in fear and the sorrow is done
there will be no more feeling that i'm all alone
I will surround myself with things that help me grow...

Right before your eyes I am changing...
changing...
New life on the inside I am changing...
changing...

Right before your eyes I am changing...
changing...
New life on the inside I am changing...
changing...

Right before your eyes...
Right before your eyes....

+++2 years... 2 years na lang...+++

weird.

2005-01-29T01:00:00.000+08:00

didn't go to class today... muhaha..! =p decided to accompany angelo to divi instead... turned out to be a good decision coz i ended up going home with a new jersey... yay! thanks much for the gift... (kahit dapat may 250 pa... okay na yun, promise...) actually, a big part of my decision to cut class was the chance to have tambay time at his house again... seriously people, i think their house has some kind of invisible force that makes people want to just slack... heheh... anywho, i unfortunately didn't get to do that... we spent more time at divi than we anticipated, and we ended up arriving at their house just in time for a late lunch and a quick bath... we had to leave after a few minutes because his parents had to bring the drinks for the event, plus a lot of last minute preparation for both of our parts in the show.. (aeo was the emcee, and i had to get made up and rehearse for the fashion show...) i was kinda tired actually, but it was all good... the hype got me going in a good way... =)

chaos. one word to describe what went on behind, and on the stage... everybody was running around, stuff were being misplaced and forgotten, people were getting ticked off by other people, three gay men drove us (and themselves) insane with make up and hairpins --- crazy! by the time the fashion show went on, i think everybody was so tired they had no choice but to sit down and watch... heheh... i think it went well though, the fashion show... nobody tripped thank goodness... and the other programs went real well too... the emcees were good (yes aeo, kahit corny, atleast nakapagpatawa kayo ni ian... muhaha!), the games were so fun to watch, the dance pushed through, and the play was quite good... all in all, it was a good show... (other than the fact that i almost lost my cellphone, i had fun all through out.)

well all that came after was a little off the "fun" mark of the night...

chilis. tequilla. 11pm. angry mom. persuasive me. frustrated me. go figure...

2005-01-27T01:04:00.000+08:00

"simpleng buhay, simpleng trip...
ngunit ubod ng saya.
at pag makita kang nakangiti
ako'y natutuwa..."

i can't feel...

2005-01-26T23:02:00.000+08:00

...my legs.
...my butt.
...my shoulders.
...my arms.
...my neck.

so, so tired people... -_-

WTF?!

2005-01-26T11:21:00.000+08:00

GRRRR!!! i am hanging on to my mouse by a thread... when i snap, i'll throw this across the room, smack in the head of nothing. nothing! i can't get to nothing, i want to scream at nothing, i want to shake nothing back into the world of the confused minds surrounding nothing, and i want to smack nothing with this stupid 3D hammer...

worthless.

2005-01-25T12:06:00.000+08:00

damn it. the simplest things hurt the most.

so wrong.

2005-01-25T02:24:00.000+08:00

my two aunts were worried about what my mother's reaction would be about the baby... all three of us are pretty sure that the news wouldn't be as pleasant to her as it was to them... that brought tita reina and i to a very, very long conversation... harbored feelings got out, tears went... gosh, it was exhausting... i got reminded again of the fact that my mother is indeed a very controlling, overly possessive and highly (i'm sorry for saying all this) inconsiderate person... =( she has her hands around all our necks (me and my aunts), the necks of the one who loves her and his family, the necks of those working for her, and the necks of those who look up to her... imagine the tightest grip possible, and that's it... what's funny is that everybody feels the same way, but nobody is strong enough to fight... she's left with the idea that because nobody is opposing her, she's right --- always right, even though it's not true.

i saw how hard it really was for my mom's "shock absorbers" (including me)... and i found out just how inconsiderate and how much of a hypocrite my mom really was... and shit did it hurt... =( she's my mother for crying out loud! how am i going to be okay knowing that i think of her this way... it's so hard... and it's even worse to realize that unlike everybody else, i have no way out... they can leave her, scream at her, turn their backs on her and live their own lives if they want to --- i can't. and figuratively speaking, if leaving her meant detaching myself from my mother to live my life now for myself, doing my thing, and making my decisions the right way... i still can't imagine... just thinking about it is making me feel like a bad child... =( i want to live my life now so that by the time i graduate and find a stable job, i can finally continue to live my life for the sake of my family, immediate or otherwise... and everybody keeps telling me that it's my choice... that i could do it if i really wanted to... but it isn't easy... i don't want to hurt my mother... but no matter how i shuffle the possibilities, she'll hate it either way and i'll hurt her... i'll hurt her. how can i hurt my mother?

this sucks. it's so wrong, and it sucks. ='(

laugh trip. guilt trip. baby!

2005-01-24T23:16:00.000+08:00

went home late today just for the heck of it... heheh... =p actually, rhythm had dance practice... i expected it to last until about 9pm... but by 8pm, everybody started to disappear one-by-one... if i hadn't asked about the practice, nobody would've told me that it was already over! =( i could've gone early and tagged along when aeo finished his test, but nooo... they just had to not tell me anything again. grr. well anyway, i didn't feel like going home even after ralph and hersh left... i couldn't stand up from the couch coz my butt felt too heavy... and my legs hurt from too much dancing too... =p goodness! trax, nimrod and i spent the whole hour before i went home laughing our asses off..! it was crazy! sobrang bano na talaga naming tatlo..! the conversations lacked so much sense that it was hard not to laugh... "how many pecs do you have?!" or "bulag ka! sabi na kasing maglinis ka ng ilong mo, baka mabilaukan ka..!" muhahah! seriously, i haven't laughed that much in a LONG time... =D

i got home at about 10pm, and what news welcomes me?! We're having a baby! heheh... tita bardie's pregnant... i'm gonna be a -- well, a cousin --- but i feel like i'm gonna be an aunt for the first time... so cool... =) it feels kind of awkward though, this whole thing... i mean, i do feel happy and excited and all that...

but, they're not married yet...

i don't know... even though part of me understands that it's a reality, what i knew still sunk in... she's an adult already and that's her life, but --- grr. i don't know how to explain it.

whatever, basta magkakaroon na ng baby sa bahay... happy, happy. =)

i'm sorry.

2005-01-24T02:00:00.000+08:00

i have two blogs... this one, is my public blog... my private blog has been up for 7 months, and was last updated a little over a week ago... nobody (but blogger) knows about that blog... i made it then because i got lazy, i couldn't write as often as i had messed up thoughts running around in my head... so i put it up... somewhere to vent, to scream, and to let it all hang out... i thought the chance of a close friend or a family member finding it was very slim, and that if i took it off the listings, the chances would even be smaller...

i just read through the whole blog... pondering whether i should get it out or not... but just reading my entries again made me cry... and i couldn't imagine anyone reading all those things that i wrote --- especially you. maybe one of these days i'd find the courage to let you read it (or to delete it.), but right now, i'm too scared... i don't know how much of what you will see would be enough to freak you out, but i know some of it will...

i'm so sorry... i wish i could let you see it, but what's in it, it's too much... even for you. ='( sana hindi ka galit.

"...burning furnace."

2005-01-23T00:52:00.000+08:00

these past few weeks, i've noticed that everytime i left home late for mass, once i got there, it would only be about 10 minutes into the service... (instead of my expected 30 minutes...) i never found that odd until that one time when i did come in early, and the mass had been, as usual, going on for about 10 minutes... because at first, i considered the fact that the 7pm mass actually started at 7:15... but now, i have this strange feeling that i think God just wanted me to be there in time...

anywho, tonight during mass, i sat down at the back part of the church, outside of the adoration chapel... i sat there, with my head resting heavily on the wall behind me, with millions of thoughts running through my head... they were making me feel sad, and hurt... i couldn't listen to the priest anymore because my mind was so full of crap... i was already on the verge of tears when i decided to leave... i couldn't sit there and not BE there for Him... i already felt bad, and that fact made me feel even worse... so i stood up and i went inside the adoration chapel... it was something i did, all the time before leaving from mass... me and my friends, my family, we always passed by the adoration chapel before going home... i sat down at the far corner of the chapel, near the door so no one peering from outside would see me cry... the chapel was empty, and the ambience was so calm and peaceful that i wasn't able to stop myself from sinking, curling into the corner... nothing was coming out, i just let myself think so He could hear me... i hoped He could still hear me... looking up from where i was, i caught a glimpse of the prayer books stacked past the door... what i did next was shocking even for me... i stood up and, yes, i took the bible... i figured maybe there was something in it that could help me... that magically, if i opened it without mind, what i'd see would help me...

...i found myself reading it for almost 20 minutes.

i couldn't put it down... and the funny thing was, the passages weren't what i was hoping for... but still i couldn't put the bible down. my mind was already set to stop after a chapter, but i kept going... i don't understand why, but i did. when i heard the Our Father, it was then that i suddenly found the urge to stop... i closed the book, held it to me, and sang... i held onto it people --- hugged it almost. and the feeling was indescribable...

i don't know what just happened... and i don't understand why it happened either... but when i went out of the chapel for the mass' final blessing, my heart was lighter than ever... i felt great. =')

balang day?

2005-01-22T01:43:00.000+08:00

one bagay. sorry, no poking... =D

2005-01-21T15:07:00.000+08:00

"Tulog na, mahal ko...
wag kang lumuha, malambot ang iyong kama...
saka na mamroblema...

Tulog na... hayaan na muna natin sila.
mamaya, hindi ka na nila kaya pang saktan...
kung matulog, matulog ka na..."

tantra?

2005-01-21T13:20:00.000+08:00

i tried out tantra a while ago... i was actually late for class already... it was still at home at 10am when pards told me that sir don wouldn't be able to go to class today... (hoowahoo! =p) obviously, the DA boys of the chinese mafia and p10 went straight to becon as well after finding out... heheh... all of them were on tantra, while one autistic soul decided to play smackdown instead. muhaha! nerd. =D

well, tantra was alright i guess... i did have some fun creating my character and punching all the monsters like crazy... the game's too slow for me though... but i think i can stick to it when i find the time... it's not exactly a bad online RPG... i'm just not fond of ol-RPGs much... not my thing. i agree though, the graphics are good... and it's not as confusing to play as i thought it would be... and except for the ocassional lags when there are too many people online, it's an okay game... ;)

2005-01-20T23:51:00.000+08:00

random thought:

"don't let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game..." - cinderella story.

...it can never hurt to try.

whatta mouth!

2005-01-20T23:31:00.000+08:00

i left the house earlier than usual today... it was joanne's birthday and she asked us to come before class so we could eat... the spaghetti was actually pretty good... and if you were there, you'd know that it was, just by looking at all the guys' plates... hahah! especially aldrin's and myks'... parang nag salad bar lang sa wendy's eh... =p thanks again joanne for the meal... happy birthday! =)

anywho, i thought phillit went well today... aeo and i skipped the 2:40 class... we both haven't read QUALITY yet so we decided to attend the 4:20 class instead so we could have decent test scores... like i said, phillit went well (as usual.) fine, fine... maybe i am a little biased since i love the topics, but the classes ARE really good... i was even surprised when sir patrick started talking about the movie: "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." i haven't seen the movie actually, but i remember it being in miko's friendster profile... heheh... i think i'm gonna ask him if he has a copy of it he could lend me... i'm suddenly interested to see it... =p just as i am interested to start writing stories again... hmm... NaNoBlog? =)

sheena........... muhahah!!! that girl's crazy... she dragged me out to the elevators to tell me about, uh, someone... hahah!!! whatta mouth! muhaha! we looked so stupid walking along the corridors trying to find (stalk?), uh, someone... =p we just took a glimpse, and then we couldn't stop laughing again...

goodness. it really is all in the mouth... ^_^

oh, and there's a new computer gaming cafe just 3 blocks away from our house (finally! malapit lang!)... i think i've found my lab 3... (did i mention it's gonna be open 24 hours? muhaha!!!)

lost.

2005-01-20T01:50:00.000+08:00

i was trying to make a new template on another account --- gave me a headache... i should just sleep already... we have a test tomorrow in accounting that i haven't studied for yet... i have to wake up early because i left my book in school... speed reading na naman ito... hay.

---

i'm lost... i seriously have no idea... i've been told different, but i feel that something's wrong... i was told not to think it was my fault, but it really isn't easy when everything that's been happening contradicts it... i missed the opportunity to ask this afternoon... damn hesitations. i couldn't bring myself to stand up from my seat... even walking out to leave was hard... i don't understand why everything seems okay at a distance... but on close quarters, everything breaks down...

right now, i'd take a cold hard slap in the face than this... i can't handle what ifs. it hurts too much.

didn't feel right.

2005-01-19T18:36:00.000+08:00

i just arrived from my first bus ride home in so long... haven't done that in a while... but today, i had to... leaving school at 5pm seemed too early for me, and i couldn't think of anything to do around the area... and i think i actually missed taking the bus alone... it's refreshing almost... i don't know what it is about a bus, but every time i haven't had time to think, i find the urge to get on one... well, as long as i get to sit down of course... the bus ain't no place for thinking if it's full of angry people hungry for seats... it's always better to get a good window seat and be able to let my mind wander off to wherever... i did that today but only for a while... coz after megamall i fell asleep... and when i woke up, we were already in Kamuning... it made me feel better to wake up and see that night has fallen...

...finally, going home felt a little more appropriate. having messed something up at school and all. -_-

pa-pirate ng hidden text. i missed you today. ='(

class? riiight.

2005-01-19T13:53:00.000+08:00

i saw feena again at the mrt station this morning... it's the third time in two weeks... hahah! we also saw kibi, but we were already inside the cart when he got to the platform... anywho, feena asked me if i brought a 3-button mouse for gamedes...

shit. i forgot. =(

it was only then that i remembered (very vaguely.) sir don talking about getting our own mouse for gamedes... urg. i keep forgetting things lately... a few days ago, i forgot to tell the rhythm members about a meeting, today i forgot the mouse and the iFap meeting... oh, and i also forgot the CDs cube and andrew needed to borrow from me... =( useless memory... *sigh*

pards asked me to lunch after gamedes... didn't want to go coz i didn't have money anymore, but macoy (forcefully, and painfully.) dragged me out of the couch telling me that he'll buy me my lunch... (my wrists still hurt.) so much for that... ended up buying my own lunch anyway. bummer. good thing they decided to eat at mickeyD's and not at wendy's...

after lunch, they were planning on hanging out at becon to start their tantra characters... i was convinced to start mine as well actually... heheh... just not right then... i told them that they might miss a lot at photog if they ditched it... coz last week, sir don had a lot of stuff covered in the discussion... (not that i was able to listen much, but i know it was a lot.)

to my regret and dismay, the class just started. damn it.

we spent two hours doing nothing... there wasn't even anything to install... when i went out for the iFap meeting, i expected to go back to a lesson... but even from the physics lab, i wasn't able to see anything from the projector... i felt so bad... i know, they really should be in class... but they weren't planning on it, and i took them out of their own plans in replacement of staring at the monitor for two hours... *sigh* i should just keep my mouth shut next time... let them do their thing or something...

aigoo. time to listen to sir don now... camera thingee.

though the road's still long.

2005-01-19T10:42:00.000+08:00

"Well the voices fall like timber,
And the fear it pours like rain...
And my heart is crushed to cinders
Underneath this kind of pain...
Well there is no resolution
When the revolution’s dead...

So I’m left with no solution for the voices in my head..."

"in media res"

2005-01-18T22:50:00.000+08:00

i thought i was going to frreak out, but the confrontation turned out to be about something else... *whew!*

...i am a little left of center though.

still a very awkward place to be... -_-

arte-kulit.

2005-01-18T22:10:00.000+08:00

i reprinted krim's thingee today... i wasn't very satisfied with what came out last time, so i offered to make another one... i intended to reprint it at the creative lounge, but magically, the colored printer wasn't working... aeo suggested netopia, but it turns out they didn't print on A3... so after passing by SM (aeo bought a shirt), i decided to try to look for a print shop near my house... damn the jeepney i rode to philcoa. =( i kept yelling "para po! para po!", but it didn't stop until the island that separates the road to UP and to Fairview... argh. i had to walk against traffic, and actually was almost hit by a car... hoowa. *sigh* anywho, the first print shop i found DID print colored on A3 --- but not back to back. to think that they charged only 50 pesos, made my frustration escalate even more... (plus i didn't get why they couldn't print back to back.) the next print shop i came across didn't print on A3 as well... ha. such amazing print shops...

i gave up.

i thought about going home already... i thought i'd just tell krim about the damaged printer and extend it til tomorrow... but just as i was about to turn and go down the stairs (the same one i went up on.), i saw a very small digital design shop... the small store was so packed with posters, pictures, and banners that it really was hard to spot... i hesitated at first, but when i saw: "large format printing" on the banner, i went in... FINALLY! they offered just what i needed... =) the price wasn't AT ALL friendly, but the quality of the product was great... i even chit-chatted with the owner, a lady... napabilib niya ako.

she said she's been doing this for 9 years, but it's only been 8 months since they put up the office in philcoa... she started out at home, with a computer she bought with her own money, and very vocal family members... well, except for her parents that is... they weren't very fond of her chosen career... she didn't get any support for them at all, even until now... and when i told her about us planning to start our own business, she said:

"basta kung may support kayo ng parents, mas madali... ako kasi dati help yourself. they were there, pero not for me." =(

i could see hesitation in her eyes as she said that... and i think she almost cried... but nonetheless, she made it through all that... and the many times she was scammed? goodness... she talked about the times when she was still starting out, that a client would ask for a sample first --- a portfolio of sorts, to gauge her capabilities... it was done without closing the deal of the job, and it often ended up with her designs being stolen from her... since there was no deal, they don't owe her anything... she gave them the sample, they can use it if they wanted to.

JERKS.

imagine, one of her biggest clients for design and printing is Jollibee... =D their banners, advertisments, give-aways, they do all that... so cool. she gave me lots of advice too on starting out and building a name for the company... she said to start out slow, but sure... stabilize first before anything big... and lots of other things... (it was a pretty long talk. =p) and whatabout!?! she even brought up currently looking for someone to have OJT at their office... heheh... part-time, or full-time, doesn't matter... all i (wait, did i say 'i' ? =p) needed was a resume, proficiency in computers (?!!!!), and some time to dedicate to managing the store while she's working on her corporate projects...

...yes. i do believe i'm going back to that store. who knows? i might just bring a resume with me. =D

BTW, the name of the studio is: ARTEkulit design studios. clever a? heheh... came from the word ARTICULATE she said... but i think even the tagalog counterpart meant a lot... very cool.

talk to the book.

2005-01-18T12:50:00.000+08:00

(title?) 'nuff said. baka kung ano pa masabi ko... masyado kasi astig ang accounting eh... can't help it... ^_^

anywho, i'm scared... i was asked to a confrontation... i'm not very good at things like that... i already think too much on a regular basis... but when i would have to be asked to explain, or to say what has not been said (for a reason.) --- it gets to be aggravating. i would have to think of ways to say things nicely, and with the truest (wrd?) of intentions, without compromising the personal thoughts and feelings of all involved... i would have to look the confrontee in the eye so as to give them what they need, without giving them too much that it borders on meddling.

i'm currently figuring out the ways i would be able to do that later... especially now that i am sensing the reason for this confrontation, it's a person actually, and a good friend no less... and this situation is something i've vowed never to mess with again... ever.

imagine my torment.

they said burn rubber.

2005-01-18T01:20:00.000+08:00

i never know anything (significant)... and i don't understand much of what i do know either... it's like i'm afloat, holding on to thin air... trying to pinch the clouds, to grab the stars, and dreaming of the day i'd get to sit on the moon --- even when reality has taught me to believe otherwise... those of sheer greatness and poignant beauty amaze me... that with the slightest wisp of chance, i am enthralled --- hooked --- mesmerized. an instance that leaves me blind and unsuspecting... i am left with a view point that stretches only as far as MY chosen reality, that i neglect to see the rest of the world passing me by... i don't even notice the warning signs, the detours, and the red lights...

...i burned my soul.

i am spent... the water has run dry, and my alternate reality has ceased to exist... from all the things i've set aside, the thoughts i've kept guarded (or written, hidden in plain sight.) and all the words i never said out loud... all the anger and the hate i brushed off of my shoulders, all the questions i never dared to ask (risking my sanity)... everything has added up to one huge predicament... everything has led me to believe the things i never should've even thought of... i've lost the battle with myself again, and i'm losing my battle with reality as well... nothing is sinking in.

i am suddenly hollow. completely blank...

oh snap.

2005-01-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

i just spent an hour and 315 pesos for a sucky printing job... the printer kept pulling crap so i had to pay for the spoils because i wanted it so bad to be done... grr. it wasn't a very pleasant experience... then at the mrt, there were SOOO many people... (to think it was almost 9pm already!!!) there was also this lady who kept pushing me back, and this guy who was too close for comfort behind me... again, not fun.

i went straight to ahbi's house... everyone was already drinking, but jaren was sweet enough to wait for me before eating... the food? very, very good... her long wait paid off with the sisig, the chicken, and the liempo... yummy! add to that the san mig light, and for a moment, you have one happy barkada... didn't drink much though... just took two sips, then i gave the bottle to cali... i'm not much of a beer fan... nor am i much of a sing-along fan either, but i ended up singing anyway...

well, screaming the lyrics actually... i wasn't in the mood to sing properly... (like i ever am?!)

anywho, i'm tired... my eyes are hurting, and i still have to study for accounting tomorrow... omg! i forgot! i'm not done with part two of our assignment yet..!

i'll try to stay awake.

2005-01-17T17:59:00.000+08:00

just finished krim's thingee... off to print it... then straight to ahbi's birthday...

hoowa.

statpro.

2005-01-17T15:49:00.000+08:00

i'm currently on the second 10 minute break from our 3 hour class... damn it. i'm scared of statpro already...

most kids have monsters under their beds...

...i have math. ='(

just a feeling.

2005-01-17T15:39:00.000+08:00

Rainy Day
by: Guster

i will dig a hole, save my pennies for a rainy day...
i will dig a hole, saving pennies for a rainy day...
i'm not scared...
i will build a wall, sensing trouble from a mile away...
i will build a wall, saw it coming from a mile away...
i'm not scared...
i'm not scared...
try wearin your insides out...
i dont even try, i know i have seen the best i'll have...
i dont even try, i will just play dumb...
i wont hear a single word that's said...
i will bite my tongue, never sing another song again...
i'm not scared
i'm not scared
try wear my insides out...
i dont even try, i know i have seen the best i'll have...
i dont even try, never been one to take my chances...
i dont even try...
clouds are coming, air get's heavy,
looks like trouble on a rainy day...
sun starts sinking, can't see my shadow,
looks likes trouble on a rainy day...
holes uncovered, walls will crumble,
all spells trouble on a rainy day...

better days?

2005-01-16T16:39:00.000+08:00

my mother has outdone herself... if before she begins screaming early in the morning, and even before she gets into the house... (just as she enters the gate people.) now, she's awaken me from my sleep to scream at me on the phone, calling straight from BOHOL... talk about a wake up call. *sigh*

i know, i know... i friggin' separated the packs of food to be sent to my dad when i wasn't supposed to... fine, it was a mistake... but i didn't know... all she asked me to do was put them in ziplock bags and to make sure that they are secure... how can i make them secure if they didn't fit? grr. another one of those days when i don't get my mother very much... she gets so angry in a second and it's really hard to catch up... even the smallest things call for epic reactions with her at times... and there's nothing anyone has ever been able to do about it --- i don't think anyone ever will.

my mom might be the way that she is for a reason... atleast we have better days. that's what counts i guess. =)

2005-01-16T04:23:00.000+08:00

random thought:

...i feel great.

scan freak.

2005-01-16T03:39:00.000+08:00

FINALLY! i'm done with all the scanning... -_-

aiye passed by last night as well, she asked me if i could finally start with (and finish) ate sheila's picture CD... it's gonna be aiye's farewell gift to her before she leaves for the states... we both expected to find the scanned photos in aiye's email, so she told me to download them already because she was going to arrive late... surprise, surprise --- they weren't there... when she got here, we checked for them at her friend's sent items, but they weren't there either... talk about frustrating... -_- it was already 10:30 then, and i was getting worried... aiye still had to go home to san vicente and finding a tryc at that hour wasn't easy... her friend was already resending the pix, but it took so long... i don't know how she scanned the pics, but every single one managed to blow up into 300+K files!!! grr. when i checked the clock, it was already 11:30... so i told aiye to go home... we didn't wait for the rest of the pics anymore, having to download 5 pictures for an hour is enough... i had to scan these again to save time... aiye needed it tomorrow, and she also needed to get home, so i walked her to the trycs just to be safe...

i just finished the CD as well... it's kinda cool... =D i used UB40's Every Breath You Take as the background audio... it went well with the transitions and aiye's crazy for reggae, so i figured it was the best choice... i hope they like it...

i've scanned Krim's pictures too... and i've finally figured out what i was going to do with the birthday letters... hahah! took me a whole day to do so, but it's all good... =D i just have to figure out how i'm even going to begin making the booklet tomorrow... i still have some errands to run for my mom in the morning, my dentist appointment at lunch, my accounting homework (i have to atleast start it now or i'll never have the urge next week.), and church at 7pm...

...i believe i'm seeing another sleepless night.

oh well, it's time to pack the bonnets and some daing! Riyadh, here they come... hoowahoo! =D

green monster.

2005-01-15T20:36:00.000+08:00

MYX gave somebody a FIFTY THOUSAND PESO shopping spree at TOWER RECORDS...

how lucky can you get?! i would've freaked out if i was the one who won that... i mean, 50k! 50k worth of CDs and Tower Records merchandise! just imagine all the cool stuff you could get... all the music, movies, the headphones, the magazines, everything..! aaargh! my CD wishlist is flashing before my eyes and it's making me really desperate... i'm practically green with envy... heheh...

i remember that time when i was in 2nd year high school... i also won a gift certificate from tower... (so what if my 2k doesn't compare to her 50k. =p) it happened when our english teacher asked us to write an essay about a great achievement... it was going to be submitted to the modess spirit thingee, and the chosen finalists will have their work published in the newspaper... finalists got pond's merchandise, and as i've said, the 2k GC... the 3 winners in the grand finals got 5k, 7k and 10k each... i flipped when i saw my article in STAR --- really, REALLY bad picture though... heheh... tita reina and i went to makati to claim my prize (it was my first visit to Perea street, and now i'm almost always there. =p), then i went straight to glorietta to buy my CDs...

...i bought stuff for other people though. =p

i wasn't as obsessed then as i am now... i remember getting the Gary V. and the Brian McKnight CD for my mom, and the Shaggy CD for *ahem* somebody who's not me? *uhLIAR* heheh... i feel so lame... =D anywho, i could just imagine how the girl felt with that 50k opportunity handed to her just like that...

wow. just, WOW.

By the way, i think she also had a lame moment at Tower Records. She went and bought Enrique Iglesias' album and said something about him being HOT. (ack!) hahah! no harm done though, at least she got the Cold Mountain VCD (she's a fan of nicole kidman... right on!) and a copy of Maroon5's album... =D

slight disturbance.

2005-01-15T17:33:00.000+08:00

whew. 11 hours of sleep... haven't had that in a long time... =)

i got off the net right before 3am, then i went straight to bed... and in my own bed too, thank you very much... heheh... the bed i've been missing for a long time... i haven't dared to sleep upstairs since school started... it felt too good that it was hard for me to wake up in time... so i decided to adjust my body clock by sleeping on the sofa with the price of waking up with a sore back... *ugh* talk about stress... my back is so stiff it hurts... =( but anywho, i woke up at about 2:30pm... i was still a little groggy when my ate ga asked me to eat already... she worries about me a lot, it's kinda sweet... the whole christmas vacation when i'd be waking up real late, she always greets me with: "di ka ba gutom? ano gusto mo kainin? tanghali na wala pa laman tiyan mo." she's pregnant also so i guess it carries on to me... napaglilihian... =D

krim passed by this morning to give me the stuffications for her BF's birthday... (a little interruption to my sweet slumber.) she's "hired" me to make some kind of booklet with his pictures, their pictures, and the letters of their classmates... she says it's her last and most special gift to him because she's breaking up with him in a week... hahah! i'm still figuring out how i would make such a thing, and give it to her in time... i'd have to scan the letters (i don't know why i would have to, but she wants me to... so, yeah.), scan the pictures, put it together and print it at copylandia by monday afternoon... i don't have the money yet, so that's gonna be another hassle since i have a tight budget for next week... *sigh* the things i do to be productive...

BUT, no worries... this'll pay off one day i hope... sole? sole? =p

= sound snippet =

2005-01-15T02:26:00.000+08:00

"Cast me gently into morning
for the night has been unkind...
Take me to a place so holy,
that I can wash this from my mind...
The memory of choosing not to fight."

jedi academy?

2005-01-14T23:11:00.000+08:00

i just remembered (thanks to myks' post... =D) something about the school... yesterday when i arrived, i saw speakers scattered around 3rd floor... sir Ando proudly introduced me to what he said was the school's "bell." didn't think we needed one, but it excited me nonetheless... heheh... =p i dunno, it felt cool... i could just imagine one day, we would hear sir mitch's voice through those speakers... =o

Feel the power! muhaha!

but i never thought i'd hear the STAR WARS theme..! hahaha! when they told me this morning that the star wars theme was our "bell", i got confused and brushed it off as a joke i didn't understand... (slow.) but when i heard it with my own ears ---

--- my goodness. this might just be jedi academy. hahah!

CS galore.

2005-01-14T16:30:00.000+08:00

hahah! played CS for two hours straight! i was a little messed up at first, but after my one-on-one practice session with pards, i ruled... =p well, kindof --- just a little bit... heheh... damn JP! kala ko kung sino yung nagtype: "patchi baboy iacademy no match"... siya lang pala, kumag yun... but hey, i smoked him on our 3on3... sweet revenge.!! muhaha!

i bought a book at national a while ago too... i don't know who the author is but the story seemed nice... i hope it's a good read...

for 500 pesos, it better be.

yay!

2005-01-14T11:18:00.000+08:00

i figured out how to work around posting links! muhaha! ashteeg... =D visit my friends' blogs everyone... they're all pretty amazing...

...

2005-01-14T10:45:00.000+08:00

nothing to do in class --- again. well we installed maya a while ago... but now we're back to having our own worlds... sir don is missing... oh wait, he just went in... he's probably going to continue his class with the pople in front in a few minutes. damn it. maybe we should all bond with sir don... maybe then we'd actually be having class with him instead of TRYING to listen to him having class with his friends. =( i don't have anything against him, really... he's good at what he does, and i think all of us knows that... just that, he can't reach out to everybody... he mumbles stuff like he's not sure if he's saying the right things... sometimes i almost feel as if he's afraid of us... like he's not sure if he really is our superior or not... i don't know. i just see a lot of hesitation in his eyes... and i think a lot of his students see that, and that's why some students take him for granted...

it's not right, but who can blame them?

hmm.

2005-01-13T23:18:00.000+08:00

public blog? delikado ito... muhaha!

hi friends! =D